My vocal talents are positively an encouragement to the likes of Britney and her ilk, besides,my breasts are real.
I could try to be a politician, but George Bush has set such impossibly high standards of stupidity, that I've got to dumb my IQ down to the level of a flea high on cocaine to be any good.
I could try being a actor, but last I heard, Bollywood's gotten queer...Earlier the women had to sleep with the directors for the plum roles, but now I hear actors gotta do the same<..Shudder..>
But I do figure I can get into this business of selp-help books. Seems to be a lucrative business if you are a unethical, egoistic and kleptomaniac bag of cheap tricks who can lie through his/her dentures*.
*Dentures- To accentuate the fact that everything is phony about the bag of cheap tricks under consideration.
Now now now ..Thats not too difficult a criteria to match eh! A couple of years in the corporate business and.. well.. you meet most of the above criteria without even knowing that you qualify.
Ye ye ye ..Dont go all sanctimonious on me and say, "I aint like thaaaat"
My favorite bunnies are the ones who prophesise that going through their pearls of wisdom probably penned
a)In the office loo on the toilet paper
b)In the office loo on the used toilet paper
will get you out of your misery, get you the bumping Bill Gates outta the Top Salubrious Pricks list, get you humping outta your miserable sex life und so wieter.
Seriously theres a awful lot of money being made outta this hugely miserable,"I need to read a book to be happy, Here's my money" lot.
So here's my free Instant Feel Good Advice to make your existence a little surreal.
This works particularly well if you are stuck in a a corporate meeting where you are expected to keep your mouth shut and let the Niagara of wisdom flow forth from those higher than you in the pecking order..You can be the happiest person in there by using the Tickle-yer-palate routine.
Limber your tongue, curl it up backwards and start tickling your upper palate...Tickle with a vigor to get a soothing itch started at the back of your palate, but not too much so that you dont end up with a paralysed tongue after the callisthenics. You'd be the happiest cheapo* in the room.
*You got all this for free you sucker.
Tip: Remember to keep your mouth shut for the entire exercise. You dont want to look like a cross between an orangutan and Arnold Schwarzenegger while you are at it .
This one is even better. Works great to soothe those frayed nerves after a hard days work in office..
All you need is to relax, take a deep breath and slowly say ....Noounununununuugie-Noounununununuugie slowly...real slowly. Here's the catch, you gotta use your nose for this, not your mouth(remmebr your mouth will be a bit sore after excercise 1!!!)
Feel that vibration from the "ununununununun" oscillate every one of those unsightly nasal hairs which you braid up before sleeping.
Keep doing it until your eyes start watering with pleasure.
Tip: You can substitute the "Noo" and "gie" with whatever you are comfortable with. This one is used by my nieghbour of Chinese-Malayali ancestry whose fav song is Limp Bizkit's Nookie.
You can find this and more in my forthcoming book ....
"Happiness for Dummies!"
Reviews by people who found happiness and more....
I feel a strange feeling of unbounded joy, like I was heading straight to heaven after I read this bo...
-Anna Nicole Smith
I was sad enough to attack Iran, but reading this has made me so much happier. I will Nooununugie with the Shah* to solve the world's problems.
*All those politically knowledgeable pricks who are snickering ..The Shah was deposed ages ago.. You are forgetting , this is George.W.Bush.
Grab a copy now!!!!!