Scandal in the Wind

From the Political desk special correspondent

MAYAWATI GOVERNMENT INSTITUTES SALVADOR DALIT AWARD FOR STATUE MAKING

Under fire following the recent Wikileaks' release, Ms.Mayawati's government has gone on the offensive to reverse adverse public opinion with a slew of measures. The Wikileaks report had accused Ms.Mayawati of, among other things, being MAYAWATI.

The Uttar Pradesh State government has announced the institution of the Salvador Dalit Award for excellence in the field of sculpture and iconography. The awards will be judged by an eminent panel headed by Ms.Mayawati. It is expected to be a single person panel.
The award will be given out every year on the occasion of Ms.Mayawati's birthday to the best Mayawati statue sculpture and will include a free trip in a empty jet to a choice of location of Ms.Mayawati's rally in the past one month.

Addressing a rally of 100000 strong people patiently waiting in the dusty heat of the Cow belt for their promised biryani, 500ml desi and a Maya themed Barbie doll, Ms.Mayawati stated that the move will galvanise, what is arguably, the state's biggest industry and benefit the poorest of the poor.
The announcement has also resulted in the increase in the stock prices of the Reliance Industries, who had acquired the biggest marble quarries in the neighbouring Madhya Pradesh just days before Ms.Mayawati's institution of the award. Company spokesperson denied any links between the two events and the same evening issued a denial for the denial to keep all bases covered just in case.

In the press conference following the rally, when one of the press corps indicated that she was obviously misappropriating the name of the famous European artist, she promptly accused him of being anti dalit and said that like Salvador Dali, she was widely misunderstood and misrepresented

Her suave aide-de-camp Satish Mishra, then disconnected his call to the US Ambassador's residence and interjected that, like Dali, Ms.Mayawati shared a Surrealist view of the world. He also reiterated that he had been misquoted in the Wikileaks report and said that all he said was that Ms.Mayawati had a “strong, authoritarian steak” sent to her by the Texas chapter of the BSP(TBSP, often mistaken for Tablespoon in party literature) on the occasion of her birthday.

Ms.Mayawati's birthday is in addition to being a significant social event in the UP Administrative services calendar is also a very important source of income for Lucknow's bakery industry. The economic churn associated with the event is no less significant in comparison to what is experienced in New Orleans during the Mardi Gras or Rio during the Carnival weekend. Unlike Marie Antoinette, Ms.Mayawati on her birthday means business when she says “..let them have cake”.

At the end of the conference, she released an audio CD compilation of songs sung by leading artists of the day,from around the world, in her praise. The album features Elton John's rendition of "Scandal in the Wind", Chantal Kreviazuk's “Leaving on a Jet Plane” and Bappi Lahiri's remixed version of “Blue Suede Shoes”.

Party insiders indicate that Ms.Mayawati had stridently demanded that the famously dead Michael Jackson be convinced into contributing to the album. After, much grovelling and convincing on the impossibility of the situation, she grudging accepted that he would be unavailable, but not before accusing him of being obviously anti-Dalit for not being a part of the historic compilation.

Salvador Dali, for obvious reasons was unavailable for comment.

Kitschen Blues

I've got back home at reasonably earthly hours for the first time this week.. That alone would be reason enough for a long rambling blog entry about the "joys" of work.

I'll save that for a crappy day :) This one is not worth ruining.

But this whole business of getting home early is more of a double edged sword kinda thingy...

While the pros are

-I get to listen to Clapton and Dylan like they should be listened to.

-I get to fiddle around with the blog.

-I get to stalk profiles of random pretty looking females on Orkut.

-I get to catch up on my reading...Gotta finish the John Gribbin I've picked up.. like ages ago.

-I get to put on leather stockings,play death metal, get my fetish whip outta my closet and play "Whose your papa,bitch!!" with my atrociously kinky Japanese neighbour... (With pros like these, what kinda loser even thinks of cons" :P)

Now the Cons....

When you get back home at 1130 PM, you dont have to make much of a choice..

More like

1130: Return Home.. Swear bout job.

1132: Remove three layers of clothing.

1135: Still swearing bout job.

1140: Switch on comp. Open the packet of bread.

1141: Eating bread. Reading mails.

1143: Login to Orkut. Finish eating bread.

1145: Take a leak..Conjure witty reply to those scraps whilst at it...close zipper.

1147: Send witty replies.

1149: Strip

1149, 20 sec:Snore.

But you get back anytime before 9PM..

There's the bane of every Godamn Veggie Desi Software Engineer in Pardes(True to my profession,we'll abbrev. to GVDSEP for further references) to be confronted....

GVDSEPs, who usually need a map to the kitchen during their comfortable formative years in India , get a rude wake-up call when confronted with the ground realities.(also chopped realities, mashed realities, burnt realities). While trained to confront most challenges in life head on , GVDSEPs have been known to breakdown after being confronted with the "Scrape Charred Rice outta your Burnt Pressure Cooker (SCROBPR)" problem, especially when accompanied by "WTF is burning in the Microwave"(WTFIBIM) situation.

With only a solitary Pakistani Restaurant close to where I live.... most days I have to cry, bludgeon,chop, fry, burn(thats unintentional), toast,roast in the kitchen to ensure that my daily nutritional needs are met....

On that note..

Ciao..

Hungry GVDSEP.

PS: If you meet me on the street, dont ask "Whats Cooking in ur life?" ...Expect violent reactions.Dont tell me I didnt warn you, but then look a the pros...You'd probably be the topic of my next blog entry..."One Liners Can Kill"

The French Connection

Weekend almost bout to end ... Another weekend dedicated to the Patron God of Sloths and other such maligned animals , who are just abiding by laws of natural physics... Principle of Least Action. All of you who spent it climbing mountains,worked on your 1 mile run time or working out at the neighbourhood gym..

Watch out!! ..You mess with Nature...She'll mess with you ..Buhahaha...

<..Quip..>Atleast that's what Al Gore has been claiming , and he got an Oscar for that!

Going on to less apocalyptic peeves, I just added a new one to my "Lousy Weekend Dos List"... Watch (F)Arty French Movies...

The French have convinced themselves(and most of the rest of the world), that to be considered as avantgarde they need have a plot with mandatory frontal nudity ,a nubile 18 year old and a sad 40+ male, and of course the Eiffel Tower where lovers hold hands, lock lips or generally violently grope each other.... Hollywood has convinced me that you can see the Eiffel Tower through any damn window of any damn house in Paris!

The movie in question is The Last Tango in Paris. An Italian Parentage, and a name that goes..Burrnaarrdho Berthaloochi,(If you picture Penelope Cruz saying that!!Brother, you would be salivating, with your tongue substituting for a neck tie, even if your name is not Bernardo Bertalucci) is apparently all you need to be qualified for this movie making job...

Anyway, I thought Swimming Pool was an aberration, until I watched this.... Total weirdo movie...or may be I aint Intellectually capable enough to appreciate the hidden implications(They must have been pretty well hidden, coz I never found a hint of any..quip quip)

Atleast I'd watched Swimming Pool on a Singapore Airlines flight from Changi to Narita...A kinda perverse pleasure, that my company was paying for a flight where I got to watch free porn!! One of the few moments when I deeply felt... that the slog was worth it...

But on this occasion, the sight of Marlon Brando...and a suggestion "The Complete and Uncensored Version" in italics on the cover, proved my undoing ...I shelled out my Yen gleefully, hoping for a snazzy story, with a bit of perversion thrown in....

An hour into the movie...I was like "what the @@##$" or as the French would say "Qu'est-ce que c'est"?

Other than that...Have spent a neat packet on a pair of Timberland Climbing boots, a snazzy evening jacket and a bunch of other stuff that I really dont need!

...I'd wager that the bill would easily surpass the GDP of most South American Countries......

Some fait accompli that....

Adieu!Mon amis..

Nooounununungie..Nooounununungie!!!!

Sometimes I wonder, what's the easiest route to take if I wanna become filthy rich inspite of my meagre talents. ..
Lets see...
My vocal talents are positively an encouragement to the likes of Britney and her ilk, besides,my breasts are real.
I could try to be a politician, but George Bush has set such impossibly high standards of stupidity, that I've got to dumb my IQ down to the level of a flea high on cocaine to be any good.
I could try being a actor, but last I heard, Bollywood's gotten queer...Earlier the women had to sleep with the directors for the plum roles, but now I hear actors gotta do the same<..Shudder..>

But I do figure I can get into this business of selp-help books. Seems to be a lucrative business if you are a unethical, egoistic and kleptomaniac bag of cheap tricks who can lie through his/her dentures*.
*Dentures- To accentuate the fact that everything is phony about the bag of cheap tricks under consideration.

Now now now ..Thats not too difficult a criteria to match eh! A couple of years in the corporate business and.. well.. you meet most of the above criteria without even knowing that you qualify.
Ye ye ye ..Dont go all sanctimonious on me and say, "I aint like thaaaat" .... Your kids probably went hungry because you left the kitchen knife in my back.

My favorite bunnies are the ones who prophesise that going through their pearls of wisdom probably penned
a)In the office loo on the toilet paper
b)In the office loo on the used toilet paper
will get you out of your misery, get you the bumping Bill Gates outta the Top Salubrious Pricks list, get you humping outta your miserable sex life und so wieter.

Seriously theres a awful lot of money being made outta this hugely miserable,"I need to read a book to be happy, Here's my money" lot.

So here's my free Instant Feel Good Advice to make your existence a little surreal.

1)Tickle-yer-Palate:
This works particularly well if you are stuck in a a corporate meeting where you are expected to keep your mouth shut and let the Niagara of wisdom flow forth from those higher than you in the pecking order..You can be the happiest person in there by using the Tickle-yer-palate routine.
Limber your tongue, curl it up backwards and start tickling your upper palate...Tickle with a vigor to get a soothing itch started at the back of your palate, but not too much so that you dont end up with a paralysed tongue after the callisthenics. You'd be the happiest cheapo* in the room.
*You got all this for free you sucker.
Tip: Remember to keep your mouth shut for the entire exercise. You dont want to look like a cross between an orangutan and Arnold Schwarzenegger while you are at it .

2)Say-Noounununununuugie-Noounununununuugie
This one is even better. Works great to soothe those frayed nerves after a hard days work in office..
All you need is to relax, take a deep breath and slowly say ....Noounununununuugie-Noounununununuugie slowly...real slowly. Here's the catch, you gotta use your nose for this, not your mouth(remmebr your mouth will be a bit sore after excercise 1!!!)
Feel that vibration from the "ununununununun" oscillate every one of those unsightly nasal hairs which you braid up before sleeping.
Keep doing it until your eyes start watering with pleasure.
Tip: You can substitute the "Noo" and "gie" with whatever you are comfortable with. This one is used by my nieghbour of Chinese-Malayali ancestry whose fav song is Limp Bizkit's Nookie.

You can find this and more in my forthcoming book ....
"Happiness for Dummies!"

Reviews by people who found happiness and more....
I feel a strange feeling of unbounded joy, like I was heading straight to heaven after I read this bo...
-Anna Nicole Smith

I was sad enough to attack Iran, but reading this has made me so much happier. I will Nooununugie with the Shah* to solve the world's problems.
-George.W.Bush.
*All those politically knowledgeable pricks who are snickering ..The Shah was deposed ages ago.. You are forgetting , this is George.W.Bush.

Grab a copy now!!!!!